Chelsea Handler has epic opening monologue at Critics' Choice Awards

Critics’ Choice Awards 2023: Chelsea Handler roasts Prince Harry’s ‘frostbitten’ manhood admission, takes a jab at James Corden and quips about Hollywood’s obsession with diet drug Ozempic in epic opening monologue

Chelsea Handler didn’t hold back during her opening monologue at the Critics’ Choice Awards 2023, held at Fairmont Century Plaza in Los Angeles on Sunday. 

The host, 47, took a jab at Prince Harry’s admission of having a frostbitten manhood, made a dig at TV host James Corden, joked that Viola Davis is Nick Cannon’s child, and roasted celebrities for taking weight loss drug Ozempic.

The comedian opened up her monologue poking fun of director Olivia Wilde’s dramatic press tour: ‘Between covid, monkeypox, the “Don’t Worry Darling” press tour, it’s been a lot.’

No holding back: Chelsea Handler didn’t hold back during her opening monologue at the Critics Choice Awards 2023, held at Fairmont Century Plaza in Los Angeles on Sunday

The star later took umbrage with Prince Harry’s intimate revelations in his new autobiography Spare, where he shared that his penis had become injured during a grueling charity trek through the North Pole in 2011.

‘Dahmer became the third highest viewed show on Netflix with a combined watch time of 1 billion hours, which apparently is the same amount of time we’re going to have to listen to prince Harry talk about his frostbitten penis. It’s enough, already.’ 

Chelsea also roasted television host James Corden, after a restaurant owner called him out for his rude behavior towards staff last year.

‘Look, the cast of “The Bear” is here. Awesome show. They showed us how grueling and hellish and absolutely miserable working in the restaurant industry can be, and they didn’t even have to wait on James Corden.’ 

Funny: The host, 47, took a jab at Prince Harry’s admission of having a frostbitten manhood, joked that Viola Davis is Nick Cannon’s child, and roasted celebrities for taking weight loss drug Ozempic

She went on to joke about Nick Cannon’s ever-expending brood, quipping that actress Viola Davis might be one of his 12 children: ‘The Woman King was a huge hit at the box office. Oh, yeah! Viola, I cannot get enough of you. You were so bada** in this movie, after it ended, I wanted you to kick my a**.’

‘As part of Viola’s training for the film, she was given a DNA test to determine the best workout regimen for her genetic make-up, which also revealed that she’s Nick Cannon’s daughter.’

Chelsea continued her roast by addressing celebrities who’ve gaslit their fans by claiming they’ve lost weight by drinking water, when in reality they’ve been taking the recently-popular antidiabetic medication called Ozempic. 

‘Julia Roberts is here tonight! Yeah, she’s nominated for playing Martha Mitchell in “Gaslit.” Yes. We love you, Julia. The word “Gaslighting” was actually Merriam Webster’s word of the year.’

‘Enough already’: The star took umbrage with Prince Harry’s intimate revelations in his new autobiography Spare, where he shared that his penis had become injured during a grueling charity trek through the North Pole in 2011

Over it: ‘Dahmer became the third highest viewed show on Netflix with a combined watch time of 1 billion hours, which apparently is the same amount of time we’re going to have to listen to prince Harry talk about his frostbitten penis’

‘And for those of you who don’t know, gaslighting is when someone tries to convince you that your own perceptions of reality are wrong. Like when celebrities say they lost weight by drinking water, but really it’s because everyone’s on Ozempic. Even my housekeeper’s on Ozempic.’ 

Chelsea also took a dig at the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade last year: ‘I’m just happy to be here tonight supporting the critics’ right to choose. At least someone still has a choice, unless they’re a female critic, then it depends on what state they live in.’ 

Handler next took a swipe at Ellen DeGeneres, who was hit with claims of creating a toxic work environment on her talk show The Ellen DeGeneres Show. 

‘Cate Blanchett is here tonight. Cate, as far as I’m concerned, you should win an Oscar every year just for being alive. In “Tar” Cate portrayed an “Iconic lesbian” after playing a conductor whose professional career is upended by her toxic behavior. And she didn’t even have to host her own daytime talk show.’ 

Calling out James: Chelsea also roasted television host James Corden, after a restaurant owner called him out for his rude behavior towards staff last year

Humorous: ‘Look, the cast of “The Bear” is here. Awesome show. They showed us how grueling and hellish and absolutely miserable working in the restaurant industry can be, and they didn’t even have to wait on James Corden’ 

CHELSEA HANDLER’S OPENING MONOLOGUE IN FULL 

‘Between covid, monkeypox, The “Don’t Worry Darling” press tour, it’s been a lot. I’m just happy to be here tonight supporting the critics’ right to choose. At least someone still has a choice, unless they’re a female critic, then it depends on what state they live in.’

‘This show is an opportunity for critics to celebrate some of the world’s most talented storytellers and performers. “The Woman King” was a huge hit at the box office. Oh, yeah! Viola, I cannot get enough of you. You were so bada** in this movie, after it ended, I wanted you to kick my a**.’

‘As part of Viola’s training for the film, she was given a DNA test to determine the best workout regimen for her genetic make-up, which also revealed that she’s Nick Cannon’s daughter.’

‘Julia Roberts is here tonight! Yeah, she’s nominated for playing Martha Mitchell in “Gaslit.” Yes. We love you, Julia. The word “Gaslighting” was actually Merriam Webster’s word of the year. And for those of you who don’t know, gaslighting is when someone tries to convince you that your own perceptions of reality are wrong. Like when celebrities say they lost weight by drinking water, but really it’s because everyone’s on Ozempic. Even my housekeeper’s on Ozempic.’

‘Cate Blanchett is here tonight. Cate, as far as I’m concerned, you should win an Oscar every year just for being alive. In “Tar” Cate portrayed an “Iconic lesbian” after playing a conductor whose professional career is upended by her toxic behavior. And she didn’t even have to host her own daytime talk show.’

‘It was a breakout year for queer cinema, with movies like “Bros,” “Fire island,” “Top gun: Maverick.” Of course one of the biggest movies this year was “Avatar: The Way of Water.” I don’t want to say that studios treat male and female directors differently, but James Cameron was given a budget of $350 million and Sarah Polley had to film “Women Talking” in a barn. But, I guess it all worked out, because they’re both up for best picture. “Women Talking” is a powerful movie, but warning to men: Women will definitely be talking.’

‘Niecy Nash-Betts is nominated for “Dahmer.” “Dahmer” became the third highest viewed show on Netflix with a combined watch time of 1 billion hours, which apparently is the same amount of time we’re going to have to listen to prince Harry talk about his frostbitten penis. It’s enough, already.’

‘One of my favorite shows, “Bad sisters,” is nominated. It’s about four sisters plotting to kill their brother-in-law. Which is something I’ve fantasized about doing for years but could never get any of my siblings on board. Shout out to my family. And look, the cast of “The Bear” is here. Awesome show. They showed us how grueling and hellish and absolutely miserable working in the restaurant industry can be, and they didn’t even have to wait on James Corden.’

‘Of course, everybody’s talking about “White Lotus.” Who knew Italian sex workers would have such a big year? Well, I guess all of you did.’

‘Kaley Cuoco is nominated for “The Flight Attendant.” Special shout out to flight attendants everywhere. Because of what they’ve had to put up with for the past three years. Just a bunch of innocent women and gay men who wanted to spend a couple of extra weekends a year in Puerto Vallarta, then had to spend their shifts duct-taping right-wing whack-jobs to their seats.’

‘Michelle Pfeiffer is nominated for “The First Lady,” where she played Betty Ford. She was incredible. She couldn’t be here tonight. So instead, I look forward to playing Betty Ford at the after party.’

‘There’s been some solid Jewish fare for this award season, we had the Fabelmans, and the Fleishmans, and that giant bagel in “Everything everywhere all at once.” We’ve all heard a lot of nonsense recently about Jews running Hollywood. And I would like to say, as a Jewish woman, so what if they do? Who cares? The French run bakeries, Italians run the mafia, and Swedish people run IKEA. Okay? Stay in your lane.’

‘Anyhoo, it’s an honor to be here tonight to help all of you celebrate the brilliant results of your hard work, your talent and your dedication. This past year, you’ve entertained us, you’ve moved us, enlightened us, and for the first time, congress is more dysfunctional than Hollywood.’

‘It even has more sex offenders. So we’ve already won! Let’s get this show started.’

She also made fun of conservatives for their reaction to covid flight mandates: ‘Kaley Cuoco is nominated for “The Flight Attendant.” Special shout out to flight attendants everywhere. Because of what they’ve had to put up with for the past three years.’

‘Just a bunch of innocent women and gay men who wanted to spend a couple of extra weekends a year in Puerto Vallarta, then had to spend their shifts duct-taping right-wing whack-jobs to their seats.’ 

Chelsea then took a swipe at the disparity between budgets given to male and female directors: ‘Of course one of the biggest movies this year was “Avatar: The Way of Water.” I don’t want to say that studios treat male and female directors differently, but James Cameron was given a budget of $350 million and Sarah Polley had to film “Women Talking” in a barn.’

‘But, I guess it all worked out, because they’re both up for best picture. “Women Talking” is a powerful movie, but warning to men: Women will definitely be talking.’ 

In good fun: She went on to joke about Nick Cannon’s ever-expending brood, quipping that actress Viola Davis might be one of his 12 children

DNA test: ‘As part of Viola’s training for the film [The Woman King], she was given a DNA test to determine the best workout regimen for her genetic make-up, which also revealed that she’s Nick Cannon’s daughter’

Gaslighting: Chelsea continued her roast while talking about Julia Roberts’ movie ‘Gaslit’ as she addressed celebrities who’ve gaslit their fans by claiming they’ve lost weight by drinking water, when in reality they’ve been taking antidiabetic medication called Ozempic

Ozempic drama: ‘For those of you who don’t know, gaslighting is when someone tries to convince you that your own perceptions of reality are wrong. Like when celebrities say they lost weight by drinking water, but really it’s because everyone’s on Ozempic’

She later took aim at Kanye West – whose career and net worth has gone into freefall amid his anti-Semitism scandal. 

‘We’ve all heard a lot of nonsense recently about Jews running Hollywood. And I would like to say, as a Jewish woman, so what if they do? Who cares? The French run bakeries, Italians run the mafia, and Swedish people run IKEA. Okay? Stay in your lane.’

She wrapped up her monologue saying: ‘Anywho, it’s an honor to be here tonight to help all of you celebrate the brilliant results of your hard work, your talent and your dedication. This past year, you’ve entertained us, you’ve moved us, enlightened us, and for the first time, congress is more dysfunctional than Hollywood.’

‘It even has more sex offenders. So we’ve already won! Let’s get this show started.’

The Critics Choice Awards are bestowed annually by the Critics Choice Association to honor the finest in cinematic and television achievement. 

Critics’ Choice Awards 2023: WINNERS

 FILM

BEST PICTURE

Avatar: The Way of Water

Babylon

The Banshees of Inisherin

Elvis

Everything Everywhere All at Once

The Fabelmans

Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery

RRR

Tár

Top Gun: Maverick

Women Talking

 

BEST ACTOR

Austin Butler – Elvis

Tom Cruise – Top Gun: Maverick

Colin Farrell – The Banshees of Inisherin

Brendan Fraser – The Whale

Paul Mescal – Aftersun

Bill Nighy – Living

 

BEST ACTRESS

Cate Blanchett – Tár

Viola Davis – The Woman King

Danielle Deadwyler – Till

Margot Robbie – Babylon

Michelle Williams – The Fabelmans

Michelle Yeoh – Everything Everywhere All at Once

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Paul Dano – The Fabelmans

Brendan Gleeson – The Banshees of Inisherin

Judd Hirsch – The Fabelmans

Barry Keoghan – The Banshees of Inisherin

Ke Huy Quan – Everything Everywhere All at Once – WINNER

Brian Tyree Henry – Causeway

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Angela Bassett – Black Panther: Wakanda Forever – WINNER

Jessie Buckley – Women Talking

Kerry Condon – The Banshees of Inisherin

Jamie Lee Curtis – Everything Everywhere All at Once

Stephanie Hsu – Everything Everywhere All at Once

Janelle Monáe – Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery

 

BEST YOUNG ACTOR/ACTRESS

Frankie Corio – Aftersun

Jalyn Hall – Till

Gabriel LaBelle – The Fabelmans

Bella Ramsey – Catherine Called Birdy

Banks Repeta – Armageddon Time

Sadie Sink – The Whale

 

BEST ACTING ENSEMBLE

The Banshees of Inisherin

Everything Everywhere All at Once

The Fabelmans

Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery

The Woman King

Women Talking

 

BEST DIRECTOR

James Cameron – Avatar: The Way of Water

Damien Chazelle – Babylon

Todd Field – Tár

Baz Luhrmann – Elvis

Daniel Kwan, Daniel Scheinert – Everything Everywhere All at Once

Martin McDonagh – The Banshees of Inisherin

Sarah Polley – Women Talking

Gina Prince-Bythewood – The Woman King

S. S. Rajamouli – RRR

Steven Spielberg – The Fabelmans

 

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Todd Field – Tár

Daniel Kwan, Daniel Scheinert – Everything Everywhere All at Once

Martin McDonagh – The Banshees of Inisherin

Steven Spielberg, Tony Kushner – The Fabelmans

Charlotte Wells – Aftersun

 

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Samuel D. Hunter – The Whale

Kazuo Ishiguro – Living

Rian Johnson – Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery

Rebecca Lenkiewicz – She Said

Sarah Polley – Women Talking

 

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

Russell Carpenter – Avatar: The Way of Water

Roger Deakins – Empire of Light

Florian Hoffmeister – Tár

Janusz Kaminski – The Fabelmans

Claudio Miranda – Top Gun: Maverick – WINNER

Linus Sandgren – Babylon

 

BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN

Hannah Beachler, Lisa K. Sessions – Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

Rick Carter, Karen O’Hara – The Fabelmans

Dylan Cole, Ben Procter, Vanessa Cole – Avatar: The Way of Water

Jason Kisvarday, Kelsi Ephraim – Everything Everywhere All at Once

Catherine Martin, Karen Murphy, Bev Dunn – Elvis

Florencia Martin, Anthony Carlino – Babylon – WINNER

 

BEST EDITING

Tom Cross – Babylon

Eddie Hamilton – Top Gun: Maverick

Stephen Rivkin, David Brenner, John Refoua, James Cameron – Avatar: The Way of Water

Paul Rogers – Everything Everywhere All at Once – WINNER

Matt Villa, Jonathan Redmond – Elvis

Monika Willi – Tár

 

BEST COSTUME DESIGN

Ruth E. Carter – Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

Jenny Eagan – Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery

Shirley Kurata – Everything Everywhere All at Once

Catherine Martin – Elvis

Gersha Phillips – The Woman King

Mary Zophres – Babylon

 

BEST HAIR AND MAKEUP

Babylon

The Batman

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

Elvis – WINNER

Everything Everywhere All at Once

The Whale

 

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS

Avatar: The Way of Water – WINNER

The Batman

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

Everything Everywhere All at Once

RRR

Top Gun: Maverick

 

BEST COMEDY

The Banshees of Inisherin

Bros

Everything Everywhere All at Once

Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery

Triangle of Sadness

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

 

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio – WINNER

Marcel the Shell with Shoes On

Puss in Boots: The Last Wish

Turning Red

Wendell & Wild

 

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

All Quiet on the Western Front

Argentina, 1985

Bardo, False Chronicle of a Handful of Truths

Close

Decision to Leave

RRR – WINNER

 

BEST SONG

Carolina – Where the Crawdads Sing

Ciao Papa – Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio

Hold My Hand – Top Gun: Maverick

Lift Me Up – Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

Naatu Naatu – RRR

New Body Rhumba – White Noise

 

BEST SCORE

Alexandre Desplat – Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio

Michael Giacchino – The Batman

Hildur Guðnadóttir – Tár

Hildur Guðnadóttir – Women Talking

Justin Hurwitz – Babylon

John Williams – The Fabelmans

 TELEVISION

BEST DRAMA SERIES

Andor (Disney+)

Bad Sisters (Apple TV+)

Better Call Saul (AMC)

The Crown (Netflix)

Euphoria (HBO)

The Good Fight (Paramount+)

House of the Dragon (HBO)

Severance (Apple TV+)

Yellowstone (Paramount Network)

 

BEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES

Jeff Bridges – The Old Man (FX)

Sterling K. Brown – This Is Us (NBC)

Diego Luna – Andor (Disney+)

Bob Odenkirk – Better Call Saul (AMC) – WINNER

Adam Scott – Severance (Apple TV+)

Antony Starr – The Boys (Prime Video)

 

BEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

Christine Baranski – The Good Fight (Paramount+)

Sharon Horgan – Bad Sisters (Apple TV+)

Laura Linney – Ozark (Netflix)

Mandy Moore – This Is Us (NBC)

Kelly Reilly – Yellowstone (Paramount Network)

Zendaya – Euphoria (HBO)

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES

Andre Braugher – The Good Fight (Paramount+)

Ismael Cruz Córdova – The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power (Prime Video)

Michael Emerson – Evil (Paramount+)

Giancarlo Esposito – Better Call Saul (AMC) – WINNER

John Lithgow – The Old Man (FX)

Matt Smith – House of the Dragon (HBO)

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

Milly Alcock – House of the Dragon (HBO)

Carol Burnett – Better Call Saul (AMC)

Jennifer Coolidge – The White Lotus (HBO) – WINNER

Julia Garner – Ozark (Netflix)

Audra McDonald – The Good Fight (Paramount+)

Rhea Seehorn – Better Call Saul (AMC) 

 

BEST COMEDY SERIES

Abbott Elementary (ABC) – WINNER

Barry (HBO)

The Bear (FX)

Better Things (FX)

Ghosts (CBS)

Hacks (HBO Max)

Reboot (Hulu)

Reservation Dogs (FX)

 

BEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES

Matt Berry – What We Do in the Shadows (FX)

Bill Hader – Barry (HBO)

Keegan-Michael Key – Reboot (Hulu)

Steve Martin – Only Murders in the Building (Hulu)

Jeremy Allen White – The Bear (FX) – WINNER

D’Pharaoh Woon-A-Tai – Reservation Dogs (FX)

 

BEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES

Christina Applegate – Dead to Me (Netflix)

Quinta Brunson – Abbott Elementary (ABC)

Kaley Cuoco – The Flight Attendant (HBO Max)

Renée Elise Goldsberry – Girls5eva (Peacock)

Devery Jacobs – Reservation Dogs (FX)

Jean Smart – Hacks (HBO Max)

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES

Brandon Scott Jones – Ghosts (CBS)

Leslie Jordan – Call Me Kat (Fox)

James Marsden – Dead to Me (Netflix)

Chris Perfetti – Abbott Elementary (ABC)

Tyler James Williams – Abbott Elementary (ABC)

Henry Winkler – Barry (HBO) – WINNER

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES

Paulina Alexis – Reservation Dogs (FX)

Ayo Edebiri – The Bear (FX)

Marcia Gay Harden – Uncoupled (Netflix)

Janelle James – Abbott Elementary (ABC)

Annie Potts – Young Sheldon (CBS)

Sheryl Lee Ralph – Abbott Elementary (ABC) – WINNER

 

BEST LIMITED SERIES

The Dropout (Hulu)

Gaslit (Starz)

The Girl from Plainville (Hulu)

The Offer (Paramount+)

Pam & Tommy (Hulu)

Station Eleven (HBO Max)

This Is Going to Hurt (AMC+)

Under the Banner of Heaven (FX)

 

BEST MOVIE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Fresh (Hulu)

Prey (Hulu)

Ray Donovan: The Movie (Showtime)

The Survivor (HBO)

Three Months (Paramount+)

Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (The Roku Channel)

 

BEST ACTOR IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOVIE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Ben Foster – The Survivor (HBO)

Andrew Garfield – Under the Banner of Heaven (FX)

Samuel L. Jackson – The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey (Apple TV+)

Daniel Radcliffe – Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (The Roku Channel) – WINNER

Sebastian Stan – Pam & Tommy (Hulu)

Ben Whishaw – This is Going to Hurt (AMC+)

 

BEST ACTRESS IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOVIE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Julia Garner – Inventing Anna (Netflix)

Lily James – Pam & Tommy (Hulu)

Amber Midthunder – Prey (Hulu)

Julia Roberts – Gaslit (Starz)

Michelle Pfeiffer – The First Lady (Showtime)

Amanda Seyfried – The Dropout (Hulu) – WINNER

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOVIE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Murray Bartlett – Welcome to Chippendales (Hulu)

Domhnall Gleeson – The Patient (FX)

Matthew Goode – The Offer (Paramount+)

Paul Walter Hauser – Black Bird (Apple TV+) – WINNER

Ray Liotta – Black Bird (Apple TV+)

Shea Whigham – Gaslit (Starz)

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A LIMITED SERIES OR MOVIE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Claire Danes – Fleishman Is in Trouble (FX)

Dominique Fishback – The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey (Apple TV+)

Betty Gilpin – Gaslit (Starz)

Melanie Lynskey – Candy (Hulu)

Niecy Nash-Betts – Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story (Netflix) – WINNER

Juno Temple – The Offer (Paramount+) 

 

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE SERIES

1899 (Netflix)

Borgen (Netflix)

Extraordinary Attorney Woo (Netflix)

Garcia! (HBO Max)

The Kingdom Exodus (MUBI)

Kleo (Netflix)

My Brilliant Friend (HBO)

Pachinko (Apple TV+)

Tehran (Apple TV+)

 

BEST ANIMATED SERIES

Bluey (Disney+)

Bob’s Burgers (Fox)

Genndy Tartakovsky’s Primal (Adult Swim)

Harley Quinn (HBO Max)

Star Trek: Lower Decks (Paramount+)

Undone (Prime Video)

 

BEST TALK SHOW

The Amber Ruffin Show (Peacock)

Full Frontal with Samantha Bee (TBS)

The Kelly Clarkson Show (NBC)

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

Late Night with Seth Meyers (NBC)

Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen (Bravo)

 

BEST COMEDY SPECIAL

Fortune Feimster: Good Fortune (Netflix)

Jerrod Carmichael: Rothaniel (HBO)

Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual (Netflix)

Nikki Glaser: Good Clean Filth (HBO)

Norm Macdonald: Nothing Special (Netflix)

Would It Kill You to Laugh? Starring Kate Berlant & John Early (Peacock)

 

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