RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Does Joe Biden's visit prove he A REPUBLICAN?

RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Holy Tipperary! Does Joe Biden’s visit to Ireland prove he is really A REPUBLICAN?

President Biden’s state visit to Ireland has been attracting headlines back in the U.S. Time once again to check in with this column’s broadcast partners at Eye-Witness News, Palm Beach, to find out what they make of Creepy Uncle Joe’s pilgrimage to the homeland of his ancestors . . . and what gets lost in translation. 

Good morning, America, how are ya? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging, with another three hours of fair and balanced Fake News You Can Use. President Biden is on an official trip to the Island of Irelandland, to mark the 25th anniversary of the signing of the Long Good Friday Agreement, which brought peace to the Emeril Isle.

Let’s cross to our special correspondent Brit Limey, in the Irish capital, Belgrade . . .

And top of the morning to you, Chad, as they say here in Irelandland. Air Force One touched down at 9.35pm. The President was greeted on the runway by the President of Englandland, Dishi Souness.

President Biden is on an official trip to the Island of Irelandland, to mark the 25th anniversary of the signing of the Long Good Friday Agreement

Who? I thought Boris Johnson was President of Englandland.

He was, but they kicked him out. He’s currently facing charges of lying to Parliament.

A bit like President Trump being charged with lying to the U.S. tax authorities?

Kinda, Chad. Only President Johnson is accused of lying about eating a slice of birthday cake, not false accounting.

And that cost him the election?

Oh, there wasn’t an election, Chad. His own party forced him to resign, after the police fined him for eating cake during the Covid lockdown.

That was a crime?

Affirmative, Chad. Boris signed off on it himself. He always said he was pro-having cake and pro-eating it, so I guess you could say he was hoist by his own pecan.

President Joe Biden (Pictured: left)met with Irish President Michael Higgins, in Dublin, Ireland

So that’s when Dishi Souness took over?

Not immediately, Chad. There was another President after Boris called Liz Trust. She lasted about three weeks before they kicked her out, too.

And these guys have the nerve to call our American democracy dysfunctional? Anyway, what’s the President of Englandland doing in Irelandland? Is Irelandland part of Englandland?

Technically, yes and no, Chad. Northern Irelandland is part of the Yew-Kay, along with Englandland, so the President of Englandland is also the the President of Northern Irelandland. But it’s still in the E-Yew, too.

I thought the Yew-Kay voted to leave the E-Yew?

They did, but as part of the exit deal, Northern Irelandland had to stay in the E-Yew.

Sorry, Brit, you lost me.

To keep an open border on the Island of Irelandland, Northern Irelandland had to remain subject to the jurisdiction of the E-Yew courts and customs arrangements. So, for instance, firms in Englandland couldn’t sell goods to Northern Irelandland, even though they are both in the Yew-Kay, just in case they were then sent on to the Republic of Irelandland.

U.S. President Joe Biden shake hands as he departs the chamber after addressing the Houses of the Oireachtas at Leinster House 

A bit like California being banned from selling oranges to Texas? And laws governing Texas being made in Mexico City?

Correct.

Let me get this straight. You’re telling me there’s two Irelandlands on the Island of Irelandland?

Yep. Northern Irelandland and the Republic of Irelandland, like Haiti and the Dominican Republic. The island’s split in two.

So where is Biden today?

Well, he was in Northern Irelandland, hoping to persuade them to accept something called the Winslow Framework, negotiated by Dishi Souness to end the deadlock in the Northern Irelandland Assembly — which has two main parties, the Republican Sinn Fein and the Democratic Unionists. The Democrats are refusing to take part in government while the North remains under the influence of the E-Yew.

And President Biden backs the Democrats?

No, he supports the Republicans, who want a united Irelandland.

US President Joe Biden and Irish Taoiseach Leo Varadkar spoke to children after watching them play Gaelic Games, during their meeting at Farmleigh House in Phoenix Park in Dublin

But Biden’s a Democrat.

Not in Ireland, he isn’t. He’s a Republican.

And was the President successful in persuading anyone?

No. He was only in Northern Irelandland for 17 hours, half of which he spent asleep. He was never going to win over the Democrats, who want to remain part of the Yew-kay.

Why’s that?

They accuse him of being anti-British, Chad.

And is he?

President Biden denies it, but he has a long history of hostility towards the Yew-Kay, embracing an IRA terrorist, telling the BBC he was ‘Irish’ and warning ‘anyone who wears orange’ — the traditional colour of Unionism — that they aren’t welcome at the White House. He boasts that his mother hated the English with a passion and constantly plays up his Irish Catholic roots, despite the fact that his great, great, great-grandfather, William H. Biden, emigrated to the U.S. from England over 200 years ago.

US President Joe Biden spoke to Irish parliament at Leinster House in Dublin

So he’s half-English?

Not quite, although some of his forebears were Huguenots from Nottingham Forest, so I guess that makes him part French Protestant. He claims to be five-eighths Irish and said that he ‘hates’ his English heritage, though he pretended he was joking.

And was he?

You never can tell with this President, Chad. He also made a speech confusing the All Blacks rugby team with the Black & Deckers, a British paramilitary squad famous for using power drills to knee-cap Irish Republicans.

So what else is on the agenda?

President Biden met the Republic of Irelandland’s leader Lenny Verruca and then headed for the west coast, where his Irish ancestors set sail for America in what he called ‘coffin ships’ to escape the potato chip famine.

Was the First Lady with him?

No, he was accompanied by his son, Hunter. The President’s third cousin on his mother’s side said Mr Biden was here for ‘the craic’, the Irish expression for people laughing and having a good time. Although some cynics remembered his son’s well-documented drug problems and suggested Hunter was only here for the crack.

And we thought Trump was an embarrassment. Holy Tipperary!

Here’s to eager beavers 

Militant enviro-mentalists are illegally releasing beavers back into the wild, where they are causing havoc, particularly in areas they have never existed before. A couple in Pembrokeshire recently discovered a beaver destroying trees in their back garden. I’ve just spent a hefty sum paying a tree surgeon to tidy up our scotch pines, laburnums and out-of-control ivy, which is taking over everywhere. If I’d known, I could have saved myself a couple of grand and got a beaver instead. 

Tupperware is in deep trouble and may go under after 77 years because of a dramatic fall in sales.

Coincidentally, the obituary of Ann Summers chief executive Jacqueline Gold, who died recently, told how she turned round the company by introducing all-female Tupperware-style parties to sell sex aids and assorted adults-only paraphernalia.

Maybe if Tupperware had started knocking out vibrators it would still be doing a roaring trade.

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