'Should I break free of this crush?'

I met a girl in the summer and we started talking on Facebook.

She had a boyfriend but around a month later she left him and we met a few times and talked daily.

Then she went quiet and I found out she was seeing someone else. We agreed that we would still talk to other people while respecting each other, as we’d both just left relationships, but I still feel hurt.

She says she feels sorry for this new guy, which is mostly why she’s with him.

I still have deep feelings for her and feel stuck. Do I continue making an effort or do I just let her go?

Often it’s best to file relationships under P for possible while you go about the business of living your life.

‘Maybe circumstances will change and you’ll both be available and interested at the same time,’ says Rupert Smith. ‘In which case all you have to do is to lean into it and let it happen.’

She’s probably aware you have feelings for her and, just as we apply a warm solvent to something stuck with glue, applying ice-cold truths can help when we’re stuck in life, says James McConnachie.

‘Be honest about her,’ he says. ‘If she wanted a relationship with you, she could have had one but she chose not to.

‘Then consider being explicitly honest with her. As long as you’re hiding your feelings, she will probably be concealing hers too.’

It seems as if you’re caught up in something that isn’t entirely about you, says Dr Angharad Rudkin.

‘This girl appears to be stumbling from one relationship to another,’ she says. ‘The distraction of new partners means she doesn’t have time to think about what she really wants.’

You were a catalyst for her to leave a relationship and were supportive following it but now she’s left you feeling a little used and confused.

‘When we look back at the pattern of our relationships we can see the kinds of people we tend to fall for and the repeating issues that usually come up,’ Rudkin says. ‘Perhaps you like to look after people.’

You say she isn’t leaving her new boyfriend because she feels sorry for him. Do you also want pity?

‘Of course not,’ says McConnachie. ‘You want love, you deserve it and you’ll find it.’

If her feelings change, she knows how you feel about her.

‘What strikes me is that you aren’t bitter,’ says Smith. ‘With that kind of emotional honesty at your command, your future looks bright.’

The experts:

  • Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
  • James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
  • Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor

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