The secret to never having to fake it again
I have fake news. Honestly. Not a Trumpian "alternative truth" but real, scientific evidence from two English universities which reveals that 80 per cent of women have faked pleasure to please a partner. "Women report using these vocalisations to 'speed up' their partner's ejaculation due to boredom, fatigue, discomfort or time limitations," the research states.
So, have you ever faked it? If you said no, are you faking that you never fake it? How could I tell?
Maybe what’s required is a genitalorienteering device – a twat nav.Credit:Shutterstock
Of course, we all fake some things. A "wonder bra" is so called because when you take it off, you wonder where the hell your breasts went.
And can you even remember your natural hair colour? Extensions, acrylic nails, tans, capped teeth, CVs, units of alcohol a week, eyelashes … I tried fake lashes once. Every time I blinked it looked like tarantulas mating. But when they started falling out, my eyes suddenly resembled those directional sign posts pointing to "London, Paris, New York …"
And, of course, every woman fakes how many men she's slept with. "Sure I'm a virgin … I don't know why you men keep asking the same silly question!"
And when it comes to keeping our HMAS Relationships afloat, females regularly fake it. When your partner cooks an inedible dinner or gives you a birthday present you loathe, your vocal appreciation can rival the theatrical enthusiasm of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.
So, yes, it's okay to fake some things. But never orgasms. One of my girlfriends says that when she's bored in bed, it's just easier to ooh and ah and writhe about for a bit, then make a low moan and go limp.
But surely this ploy could backfire. Impressed by his own virtuosity and virility, a man's just as likely to say, "Wow! I'm going to give you another seven of those!" and set back to work at the carnal coal face immediately.
Besides which, there's little point in encouraging a partner in practices which are not getting you anywhere. By anywhere I mean the usual desired female destination of over the moon, or into another orbit entirely.
Actually, I'm tired of all this fuss about women faking orgasms. What about men faking foreplay? Hell, some blokes I know can fake a whole damn relationship.
The truth is, women just don't have Academy Award-winning orgasms without foreplay. And yet, while research reveals that the average woman requires at least 10 minutes of foreplay, most sexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don't have to be Einstein to realise that erotic calculation just can't add up.
And there's no reason why men shouldn't be adept at foreplay. Most blokes are good with their hands.
They can fashion a temporary cistern ball float with a squeezy bottle and a coat hanger in five minutes flat … and yet can't find a G-spot? Location! Location! Location! That's all there is to say about the G-spot, really.
And if your partner can determine the exact amount of fuel needed for a five-hour trip down the coast, where he effortlessly locates the remote fishing village that's not even on a map, yet he can't find your clitoris, well, the truth is that he just can't be bothered to find it. Maybe what's required is a genital orienteering device – a twat nav.
Having sex when you're not in the mood is like dancing with no music. But it's so easy to get a woman in the mood – it's called housework. Help with the shopping, mopping, kid-wrangling and cooking and there'll be nothing fake about a female's appreciation. Yes! Yes! YESSSS!
This article appears in Sunday Life magazine within the Sun-Herald and the Sunday Age on sale June 9.
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