TRACEY COX: I'm seeing women around me get sexually WILD in mid-life
I’m seeing women all around me get sexually WILD in mid-life, says TRACEY COX – and even I can’t believe some of their antics
- UK sex expert Tracey Cox shares how women are exploring sex later in life
- READ MORE: There’s a sex act that’s worryingly becoming the norm even though it’s dangerous and most women hate it, says Tracey Cox
Gardening and book clubs or a threesome with two men?
Looking after the grandkids or visiting a sex club with your husband?
Which do YOU fancy?
While most women hitting mid-life will go for traditional options, an increasing number crave excitement not contentment.
I’ve been writing about sex for more than 35 years and I’ve never seen anything like what I’m seeing now.
Hundreds and hundreds of women now ask me how to suggest having more adventurous sex without being judged by their partner. It used to be the other way around.
An increasing number of women in mid life are craving sexual excitement and not contentment, says Tracey Cox (stock image used)
Rather than sad divorcees, I’m surrounded by a tribe of women who have set themselves free from long, boring marriages and doing what they wished they’d done in their 20s.
‘I got married way too young. I’d only slept with one other man,’ a 48-year-old woman told me.
‘My husband was the one who had the affair and left the marriage, but he was useless at sex. I was sexually naïve and had never had an orgasm. But I ended up in a relationship with a highly sexual man who gave me my first climax at 49.
‘We did things that would have made my hair curl. We’d eat food off each other’s bodies, we used all sorts of toys in all sorts of places and went to sex clubs together. I loved it. When all my friends seemed to be stopping having sex, I was having the best sex of my life.’
She’s not the only one enjoying sex more as an older woman: mid-life wanderlust is a ‘thing’.
Age might bring wrinkles, but it often makes women more confident, less people-pleasing and surer of what they really want from life.
For starters, to kiss goodbye to the routine, repetitive, uninteresting sex dealt up in the average marriage.
‘I’m doing what I would never have had the courage to when young – having bold, erotic sex,’ one 45-year-old woman told me.
‘It’s better doing it at this age. The young me would have felt ashamed and paranoid about being judged. I feel brave and empowered by pushing my limits.’
I can testify that many women blossom erotically in their 40s and 50s.
Here, confessions from those who are choosing to be sexual adventurers rather than invisible and ‘past it’.
Rather than sad divorcees, Tracey (pictured) says she’s surrounded by a tribe of women who have set themselves free from long, boring marriages
I PAY A SEX WORKER TO HAVE SEX WITH MY HUSBAND WHILE I WATCH
*Rachel, 44, has been married for 24 years
‘I admire my husband – he’s smart and successful – but I didn’t find him physically attractive anymore. He’s put on a lot of weight, drinks too much. Time and lifestyle haven’t been kind to him. Our sex was like someone hit the repeat button in our 20s and didn’t take their finger off. We both had healthy libidos, just bored with having sex together.
‘We’re friends with a couple who give themselves an annual “sex treat”. They hire a prostitute, and he watches while she has sex with her. I remember being shocked when they first confessed and I’m not bi-curious. But I wondered what it would be like watching my husband with another woman. Would he make love to her the same way he does me? Would another woman go wild over his techniques or be bored like I am? Maybe he’s an excellent lover and I’m just over him?
I HAD A LAP DANCE AND ENDED UP A LESBIAN
*Julia, 41, is an architect who left her husband for another woman
‘It hadn’t ever occurred to me to look at another woman in a sexual way until my husband took me for a lap dance. We were out with friends to dinner, all a bit drunk, and on impulse went into a lap-dancing club for a bit of a laugh.
‘The couple we were with got a private dance and my husband begged me to give it a go. I can’t say it did much for me. The girl was too plastic: fake breasts, fake arousal. But it did trigger an erotic fantasy I’d regularly masturbate to. I didn’t think too much of it: I’ve fantasised about all sorts and this just got added to the list.
‘About three months after that, we went to a dinner party. My husband and I weren’t in the best place. We were arguing and I had lost all sexual desire for him – though not desire for sex. I felt in a constant state of sexual arousal that I couldn’t satisfy.
‘A couple I’d never met before walked in and I was transfixed by the woman. I’ve never felt such attraction: I found myself drawn to her in both a romantic and physical sense. We talked all night. At the end of it, she said quietly, “I’m straight but I feel oddly attracted to you. Would you like to have coffee and talk about this?” I felt the same. I said yes.
‘We met in the bar of a hotel. In typical female fashion, we immediately launched into talking about our feelings. There was no pretence, no games, we drank a bottle of wine and we talked and talked and held hands under the table and laughed and cried and when we couldn’t bear not kissing anymore, we moved to a sofa near the fire that was more private and kissed for hours.
‘We attracted a lot of attention. When was the last time you saw two women in their forties, snogging like teenagers in a posh hotel bar? We talked about our marriages, we talked about how we’d never fancied a woman and how weird it was and how soft our lips felt and we talked about how we would leave our husbands so we could be together.
‘Our husbands weren’t surprised to be told it was over but they sure as hell were surprised at their replacement.
‘I didn’t wake up and suddenly decide I was a lesbian. It wasn’t about loving a woman at all. I simply fell in love with her as a person and her gender was unimportant. I think women are far less hung up on putting labels on their feelings and sexuality than men are.’
‘I was curious. The more I thought about it, the more the idea started to turn me on. It made me feel powerful to imagine being in control of him sexually. Maybe I’d instruct them on what to do to each other. I made up fantasies around it and used to masturbate to them.
‘I decided to suggest doing it – God knows our sex life needed a revamp – and thought he’d be excited but he was shocked and offended. He felt insulted that I was happy to share him, I felt judged. Two weeks later, he came to me and said he’d had time to process it and was up for it. The mood swung into excitement.
‘The planning was almost as good as the reality. We asked our friends to help find a sex worker and choose one together. It was important we both found her attractive: I was only watching but she needed to fit my fantasy, too.
‘One hour before it happened, my husband took a Viagra. I didn’t blame him, I’d have performance anxiety, too! It was a surreal experience. At first, I was nervous and kept quiet and just let them get on with it. My husband was very polite at the start and kept looking over at me, expecting me to stop them. I didn’t. I felt the most aroused I had ever felt. The more aroused they were, the more I was.
‘The prostitute seemed really turned on by the scenario as well (or doing a good job acting that way). I didn’t have any desire to join them or boss them around but I did masturbate to orgasm several times.
‘There was a little shame after we’d all climaxed. She left and we stayed the night in the hotel room and stayed up talking about it and drinking. But the next day we had the best sex we’d had since we met.
‘We do it once or twice a year. A different woman each time. It’s transformed our sex life and relationship.’
SWINGING SAVED OUR MARRIAGE
*Grace, 52, has been happily married for 31 years
‘We were one of those couples who met in high school and never broke up. People didn’t know whether to envy us or pity us and constantly asked whether we felt ripped off that we’d never slept with anyone else but each other. But we never did feel like that.
‘Then the kids moved out and there was no excitement or newness in our life. We ended up at a therapist who told us to try to inject as many new experiences into our lives as possible. We did and it worked, and we decided our sex life needed a boost as well. We started sharing fantasies and one of my husband’s was swinging.
‘Far from being turned off or offended by it, I was intrigued. We started looking on swinging websites and just looking at the pictures and reading the testimonies got us hotter than we had ever been.
‘The first time we went we wandered around watching everyone and it was such an eye opener but over-whelming. We’d had enough after about two hours and left but when we got home had the best sex ever. There were no negatives: neither of us felt jealous or threatened. We just felt energised and ready to explore further.
‘The second time, we both had sex with each other while others watched. It felt odd to start with but then it felt good to be admired. Again, we went home after that and waited to see if either of us felt anything that might threaten our marriage. Nup. We were fine and rearing to go the following weekend and that was when we both started having sex with other people.
‘Two years later, we’re now swinging regulars. We confessed to our closest couple friends, and they pretty much wiped us after that. I think it’s because the husband looked a little too interested and the wife felt threatened. I have nothing but good things to say about swinging. If you approach it the right way, it can rejuvenate the stalest sex life.’
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