What kind of people pleaser are YOU? And how can you start saying no
Are you ALWAYS doing what others want? Expert reveals 5 types of people pleaser – and how to start saying no
- Natalie Lue, author of The Joy of Saying No, appeared on Lorraine this morning
- Read more: Psychologist reveals the four signs someone is trying to control you
A presenter, author and broadcaster has revealed the five types of people pleasing – and has given her tips on how to start saying ‘no.’
Natalie Lue revealed she authored The Joy of Saying No after her own battle with sarcoidosis, an immune system illness, made her realise she needed to ‘draw a line in the sand’ and put her own health first.
Speaking to Ranvir Singh on today’s Lorraine, the author and motivational speaker explained that many are inclined to ‘people please’ for several ways, and can be divided in five categories.
She said that some will agree to everything and anything because they are worried about looking like good people, while others will try to ‘fix’ and ‘rescue’ situations without setting boundaries and will end up ‘overdoing it.’
She added that society has been conditioned to think of ‘no’ as a dirty word, but that setting out limits is necessary to protect our health and stress levels.
Natalie Lue, who authored The Joy of Saying No, explained that people will be inclined to people please for several reasons, and can be divided in five categories as she appeared on Lorraine today (Stock picture)
The motivational speaker gave more details about the types of people pleasing she has identified.
‘Gooding is the first one. This is where you’re very concerned about looking good to others or being good.
‘You might think: “I have to be a good employee or the perfect wife” or you worry about not being liked.
‘If so, you’re likely to be in that gooding category,’ Natalie said.
She moved to the second category, which she has called ‘Efforting.’
‘If you’re all about effort: giving 100, being the best, being a perfectionist, overdoing it. You try to please people with your efforts,’ she explained.
The third category is what Natalie called the Avoiding.
She described it as ‘trying to please others by trying to never discomfort them.’
She said: ‘You are very good at avoiding conflict. You’ll avoid doing anything that’s going to put people out.
‘And that will also include never talking about the thing you think is going to upset others if you bring it up,’ she added.
The fourth category of people is called Saving, which Natalie said ‘a lot of people will identify with.’
Natalie Lue authored The Joy of Saying No after her own battle with sarcoidosis, an immune system illness made her realise she needed to ‘draw a line in the sand’ and put her own health first, instead of trying to please people by saying ‘yes’ all the time
‘They are the helpers, the fixers, the savers, the rescuers of this world. They pride themselves on giving, but they give without boundaries, so they end up sacrificing themselves and overdoing it,’ she explained.
She then moved on to the last category, which is ‘Suffering.’
‘And then the last one is suffering – if you have the sense of feeling like the more you suffer, the better it makes you as a person, you keep tolerating, for instance, people overstepping your boundaries, you’re trying to please them with your suffering,’ she explained.
Natalie told Ranvir she believes that people have been conditioned to see saying no as a bad thing.
‘I think we’ve been socialised and conditioned to believe that no is a dirty word and that saying yes makes us a good person and leads to being successful,’ she said.
‘But our lives have changed dramatically over the last few years – particularly with the pandemic – but even over the last few decades.
‘Our work commitments, and our family commitments and the pressures we put on ourselves, it all adds up.
‘If we aren’t saying no when we really need, we wind up saying resentfully, and fearfully, and avoidantly, and we also wound up with health issues, feeling angry and stressed.’
Natalie said she learned the importance of saying no from her personal experience.
‘I grew up being the quintessential people pleaser. So I overworked and I went out with emotionally unavailable men and I was like ‘yes, yes, yes”, I wanted to please everybody because deep down I didn’t really like and love myself,’ she said.
‘And then, when I had my health issue, I had sarcoidosis, it forced me to really have to draw a line in the sand and say no because I was fighting for my life,’ she added.
She encouraged other people to learn to say no more, in order to protect themselves, but warned that the move could be badly received at first.
‘People get used to you saying yes all the time, so they think [you saying no] is maybe an anomaly: you have to be consistent with your no so they can understand where you’re coming from,’ she said.
She said that there are ‘people pleasing feeling’ that can work as alarm bells to show you’ve said yes to something ‘for the wrong reasons.’
She said that some will agree to everything and anything because they are worried about looking like good people, while others will try to ‘fix’ and ‘rescue’ situations without setting boundaries and will end up ‘overdoing it’
She said the feeling can including guilt, resentment, anxiety, feeling overloaded, helpless, and powerless.
However, the author added that you shouldn’t wake up one day and start saying no to everything and anything.
‘Don’t try to do everything, don’t go for the biggest thing, starts gently, realise that the sky is not falling down when you start saying no,’ she said.
She also advised to make a note of the time you say ‘yes’ when you actually want to say no.
The author also added that it is important to notice ‘when your baggage is showing up,’ advising to question what emotional baggage pushes you to want to people please.
She said identifying that you might have learned to say yes without boundaries because of your parents or a family member can help you realise that you can now ‘choose a different path.’
The FIVE types of people pleaser
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