‘M&S launching range of virtue signalling women’s undies is quite simply pants’

It had to happen. After an endless, woke litany of things that are racist and need cancelling we’ve ­finally got to knickers.

Yes, girls, your thong is wrong and your briefs cause grief. Get. Them. Off. NOW!

Don’t just take my word for it though. This isn’t just any virtue signalling, it’s Marks and Spencer virtue signalling no less.

Inspired by George Floyd the high street giant is launching an “inclusive” range of underwear in five shades designed for ­different skin tones.

Now somewhat sneakily they’ve always had flesh colour bras and nicks in all shades from very pale to very dark but hey, why let that fact get in the way when you can SHOUT about how in touch you are with the “global conversation on racial inequality”?

Oh, eat my shorts, as Bart Simpson would say.

We are talking about pieces of material designed to keep our lady bits in place, not world sodding peace.

The chain store – ­famous, remember, for turning food into porn and a caterpillar cake into a lawsuit – described its previous products as “inconsistent and inadequate for all ethnicities”, while “the terms nude and neutral have generally been used for lighter skin tones”.

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The new colours are named after gemstones such as Topaz and Amber after the retailer said it received “clear customer feedback” against names such as Tobacco.

OK, I get that having your bottom covered by something that reminds you of an ashtray and lung cancer ain’t great, but Topaz? It’s usually a pale blue colour stone which, granted given the summer weather we’re having, adequately describes my current skin tone, but what the hell does it mean for “inclusivity” and “diversity”?

Aah, sorry, the new names signify “things that are special and precious”.

No they don’t. They are knickers. Nothing more, nothing less. An essential part of our wardrobes, granted, but donning a pair of politically correct pants ain’t gonna make me, or you, Rosa Parks.

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And let’s not forget that while his murder was undoubtedly horrific and racism needs tackling around the world, George Floyd did once point his gun at the stomach of a young woman.

This is exactly the same as the moral grandstanding many big businesses take with the Pride rainbow symbol. They’re simply using it to flog products. Rainbow flags on credit card statements and shopping bags are promoted in the UK but suspiciously absent on those very same things in the Middle East. Cold, cynical, hypocritical marketing jumping on the back of a genuine fight for equality. Who’d have thunk it?

Marks and Sparks say that they are simply listening to customers' demands. Uh? Have you or your mates seriously ever had a conversation about black lives matter, colonialism or race hate while rummaging through racks of underwear? Nope, me neither.

What I usually do is gaze in awe at the advertising pictures M&S use of the very gorgeous Rosie Huntington-Whiteley looking amazing and flogging lovely briefs, camisoles and bras to customers of all colours, shapes and sizes. I do the same with the equally stunning Rihanna when she models her magnificent Fenty range. Because I’m buying a dream of looking and feeling fabulous and, possibly, a little bit sexy occasionally.

Talking of which, I seriously hope Marks – the UK’s biggest lingerie purveyor – now consider just how much cultural appropriation is involved in their French knickers and Brazilian tangas.

There’s only one thing you can really do with woke pants.

Take them down.

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