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I was in a happy long-term relationship when I started to understand I was bisexual. <\/p>\n
I\u2019d always joked about having \u2018girl crushes\u2019 but there were a couple of these, on friends who were open about their\u00a0queerness, which tipped me into the realisation.\u00a0But\u00a0it took me years to tell anyone.<\/p>\n
I wasn\u2019t\u00a0alone:\u00a0In 2020,\u00a0Stonewall\u2019s\u00a0Bi Report\u00a0of 5000 self-identified bisexual people showed that only 36% are out to all their friends, and only 20% are out to all their family. <\/p>\n
Honestly, I still fall into the latter category\u00a0\u2013 though perhaps\u00a0writing about it\u00a0will help to \u2018out me\u2019 to them\u2026<\/p>\n
Why do so few bi people come out?\u00a0<\/strong>In my opinion,\u00a0there\u2019s double insecurity.\u00a0I feel that there\u2019s\u00a0uncertainty about the reaction on both sides: fearing homophobic prejudice from straight groups, and fearing lack of acceptance from queer groups for not being a \u2018full\u2019 member (especially if you\u2019re in a relationship that appears to be heterosexual.) <\/p>\n It felt like I couldn\u2019t be my full self at family gatherings where \u2018queerness\u2019 was an exotic, abstract concept, yet I also couldn\u2019t turn up at a gay bar holding hands with my boyfriend.<\/p>\n With lack of representation and role-models in the media (how many bisexual celebrities can you name?),\u00a0many people just like me\u00a0may stay closeted to avoid association with negative stereotypes of hypersexualised, unfaithful, chaotic bisexuals.<\/p>\n For people who are already partnered when considering coming out, there\u2019s additional complications. Being bisexual is obviously different to identifying as gay\u00a0or\u00a0lesbian in that you can be in a fulfilling straight relationship. <\/p>\n When I thought about coming out, all I could see were negatives, and it felt difficult to tell whether they were rational or irrational.<\/p>\n I was in a happy five-year-long relationship with a lovely man \u2013 why bother to come out?\u00a0Privately, I didn\u2019t want to upset him, make him think I was cheating, or even risk changing our dynamic. Publicly, I didn\u2019t want to seem like an attention-seeker or pretender. It was easier to stay behind the fa\u00e7ade.<\/p>\n I thought that unless I was single, my bisexuality wouldn\u2019t be relevant. But the natural conclusion of this is that if you\u2019re monogamous, you\u2019re always going to feel like there\u2019s \u2018half\u2019 of your identity that isn\u2019t allowed.\u00a0<\/p>\n Bisexual people end up defined, not by their own identities, but by whoever they happen to be dating. It\u2019s another way that bisexuality is erased \u2013 and when bisexuality becomes so invisible that it seems non-existent in our society, it\u2019s even more difficult to shed negative beliefs about it.<\/p>\n https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/p\/CoKsNteLSDP\/<\/p>\n Platform is the home of Metro.co.uk’s first-person and opinion pieces, devoted to giving a platform to underheard and underrepresented voices in the media. <\/strong><\/p>\n Find some of our best reads of the week below:<\/p>\n Emily Bashforth explains that, even though Katy Perry was married to Russell Brand, she doesn’t owe anyone a response. <\/p>\n A mum to a 15-year-old vaper shares her concerns about the proposed ban on single-use vapes and how it might impact addicted teens like her own daughter. <\/p>\n An uplifting piece from Emily Powell, who ran away to Vegas with her groom and got married in a 15-minute-long, $150 ceremony officiated by Elvis. <\/p>\n And Pranjal Jain made us all cringe when she shared that she accidentally said ‘I love you’ on a first date after a language translation error. Her date’s reply left her gob-smacked. <\/p>\n The problem with not talking to anyone about it was that it took longer for me to accept myself. It\u00a0took me a long time\u00a0to even acknowledge my capacity to fall in love with someone regardless of their gender, or to be attracted to people of different genders, meant that I was bisexual. <\/p>\n Alone in my head, I doubted myself. I longed to be accepted by a community I hadn\u2019t yet accepted myself. Bisexual erasure comes from outside and inside.<\/p>\n The very fact I felt I had to hide it made me feel ashamed of it.\u00a0Even when I did finally label myself in my own mind, I didn\u2019t exactly feel celebratory, because it\u00a0didn\u2019t seem to change anything \u2013\u00a0I was\u00a0still focused on how other people would react, and\u00a0how I thought I needed to be different in order to be \u2018properly\u2019 bisexual.\u00a0<\/p>\n I also felt guilty that in my position of relative privilege (as being in a straight relationship meant avoiding discrimination I\u2019d likely have experienced if I\u2019d been in a same-gender relationship, not to mention being a white person who was worked and socialised in liberal spaces)\u00a0I wasn\u2019t making bisexuality more visible, more normalised. It became a murky, messy ball of worry, inhibiting my self-worth.\u00a0<\/p>\n Ironically, it was also affecting the relationship I was trying so hard not to destabilise, because I felt like I was hiding my feelings and identity from my partner.\u00a0I reached a point where I didn\u2019t know if it would be harder to come out or to remain as I was.<\/p>\n Unsure what else to do, I started to write. I wrote about a character realising she\u2019s bisexual, torn between a straight world and a gay world, and (falsely) thinking she has to lead a double life to belong in both.\u00a0<\/p>\n I used fiction like a thought experiment. These characters became very different to me and made different choices (which are not necessarily the \u2018right\u2019 ones \u00ad\u2013 after all, real-life sensible choices aren\u2019t always the most entertaining story!) but they helped me to realise the fictions I had been telling myself about how queer people were \u2018meant\u2019 to be.\u00a0<\/p>\n This would become my debut novel, Double Booked, which I\u2019m proud to say was published last year, for\u00a0Pride<\/strong>.<\/p>\n I read as many books as I could with bisexual characters (spoiler: there aren\u2019t as many as you\u2019d hope. Casey McQuiston is a great contemporary rom-com writer with lots of representation, or if you\u2019d like something more in the literary canon, try Iris Murdoch!) <\/p>\n I\u00a0more actively educated myself about queer history, culture, music and films, and joined friends at inclusive events and spaces. They helped me to do the most important thing: to understand and accept myself, regardless of whether I then came out to others. I hope that my characters will help others along the same journey.<\/p>\n In the end, when I did come out to my partner\u00a0and my friends, they were not only supportive but also, frankly, unsurprised. Think of how much time and angst I could have saved\u2026<\/p>\n You should never feel like you have to come out. Whether you\u2019re\u00a0Harry Styles\u00a0or Joe Bloggs, you don\u2019t owe anyone your truth or experiences. Sure, we celebrate and appreciate everyone who does, but until we live in an equal utopia, know that your identity is no less valid because of how many other people know.<\/p>\n That\u2019s why\u00a0<\/strong>I think\u00a0coming out to yourself is the most important part.<\/p>\n Immersing myself in queer culture helped me to feel more accepted and accepting, and to shed some of my internalised shame. I don\u2019t believe there is anything shameful about having the capacity to fall in love with someone regardless of their gender.<\/p>\n I\u2019m glad that I came out, because it\u2019s helped me to realise that being bi doesn\u2019t have to be a big deal. I hope that I can be just one more example of an out bisexual living a pleasantly humdrum life. If more bi people were visible, then we\u2019d all have a better sense of how varied we are as individuals. <\/p>\n But even if I hadn\u2019t, I know I\u2019m a happier person for having come out to myself. I lifted my internalised shame and fear, and accepted that queer attraction is perfectly normal and really rather lovely. <\/p>\n Self-knowledge and self-acceptance are surely the main goals in life,\u00a0and coming out to myself meant realising\u00a0that being being bi didn\u2019t\u00a0mean I needed to do anything differently, it was just who I was.\u00a0<\/p>\n Now, having a \u2018girl crush\u2019 doesn\u2019t have to be a huge source of angst.\u00a0<\/p>\n In my next book, maybe my queer characters will get the joy of accepting themselves from the very start\u2026<\/p>\n<\/i>More from Platform<\/h2>\n